Very rough first draft, not sure if I even like the topic for this purpose or if I’ll try to work with something else, but honestly was coming up blank on a topic. I think it may focus too much on my grandfather and not enough on me, and it’s probably weaker than I could manage if I spent more time on it, but I want to get a general sense of how this looks to an outsider (i.e. not me).
New version below.
It’s a great story, but it doesn’t really focus on you. Maybe you could use some condensed portion as a starting off point (like a couple introductory lines stating how he’s influenced you), and then spend the rest of it talking about what that influence has been – what you’ve done with your life thus far and how the attitude/values/etc. that you’ve learned from him will help you in law school and beyond.
Any adcomm would be a fool not to offer admission to your grandpa
Take two. Cut out the second paragraph since it didn’t add anything, expanded the last. Better? Suggestions?
removed
It’s still too much narrative about your grandfather. You talk about achieving academic and professional success, but without backing those up with anecdotes – this is the area where you could expand the narrative.
Do you think that would be accomplished best by simply adding on to the final paragraph, perhaps splitting it in two? Or should I be doing away with some of the information in the first two paragraphs as well? I really didn’t think it was too excessive at this point, and I feel like removing more from the first two would take away from the story.
If LS wanted a grandfather statement this would work. Alas, they want a personal statement. Start over.
The story should be about you, though. Even though you want to describe your inspiration, it’s more important to describe your successes.
Forget it.
Sorry dude, but it’s still almost entirely about your grandfather. I learn much more about him than I do about you.
Even though you’ve included more information about yourself, you start each paragraph talking about him.
Maybe you should think of a whole new approach.
Despite the numerous specific examples?
Is that really an issue? I feel like it gives it some more continuity than many of the other “character sketch” type PS I read which are, essentially, story about someone I know → story about me. Seems disjointed.
Yeah, but if you’re just scanning through it, it can be difficult to determine who you’re talking about - you or your grandfather? Ultimately, you want to make this clear and easy to read for the adcoms.
That’s definitely the way to get people to critique your writing. 
Yes, I read it. I admit, I started skimming about halfway through when you’d already mentioned grandpa enough times for five essays and started three paragraphs in a row with “grandfather” in the first two words…you then proceeded to mention him in the first setence of paragraphs 4-6.
If you would like more detailed feedback, well…
This would be a fantastic eulogy for a dude who was obviously a great grandfather. What it isn’t, however, is an essay that will convince adcomms to admit you.
OP, your defensive posture is not suited for asking others for help on the internet. Even if the focus on your grandfather was suitable, the writing is not well done. Now, those who can help you probably will not.
Maybe if you gave something that would constitute help instead of glib remarks, the posture would be something other than defensive.
There are perhaps two comments in this entire thread that could (barely) be considered glib. And they’re still spot on.
You need to learn to take constructive criticism. Your essay is not as good as you think it is, and will not serve you well in the application process in its current form. That’s not a judgement on you as a person. Or on your grandfather. (Sorry, was that too glib?)
Seriously, dude. You got good advice. It wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but a good writer knows when to kill their baby and start over. Being defensive isn’t going to convince anyone that your essay is awesome.
Now who’s being defensive? There’s nothing wrong with constructive criticism if you’re actually getting it, but comments like “it’d be great if law school asked for a grandfather statement” are so glib as to be useless. Further, I never claimed my essay was great. Actually, I believe I started off by saying just the opposite, that it was a very rough first draft and that I wasn’t even sure if I felt I could write a convincing PS on the topic. The amount of assumptions, and apparently poor reading skills, displayed here are ironic given the tone and subject of your post.
Cinephile, thank you for your constructive comments.
I was going to flounce out of here acting all huffy, but I see OP beat me to it.
Well, back to not working at work. 
Sorry if I was too indelicate for you. I was trying to get your attention bc you seemed to think this garbage could be edited to work. My advice was the more succint last sentence, “START OVER!” Glib, by the way, means superficial or informal, not sarcastic.