10/15-My last post is the most updated version of my statement. I wrote another statement that I’m getting edited that deals more specifically with my current job, but I liked this theme better. Any advice and harsh critique would be really appreciated.
If familiarity breeds contempt, I should hate nothing more than church. I am to a point where I can, with my eyes closed, predict every moment of the service. Yet, I actually relish the sameness of it all. But I love my pastor’s messages most, messages that speak about one who challenged political and social institutions, spoke truth to power, and triumphed over pervasive forces designed to maintain the status quo. The sermons communicated that faith, hard work and determination could break unjust shackles, lift heavy burdens, and uproot evil institutions.
The community surrounding the church seemed to proclaim an altogether different message. The urban decay, poverty and drug abuse boldly declared that my pastor’s messages of faith and hope were not welcome there. Many Sundays, as I walked out of church, I wondered how my neighbors could experience the jubilation that I felt during those services. But I was taught that even the mention of religion would suggest that I was a fanatic desiring to convert someone over to my faith tradition. Therefore, I decided to minimize my expressions of faith in public.
As time went on, I came to realize that there are other, less obtrusive ways to express my faith. My current position as a community organizer for a multi-faith nonprofit afforded me a glimpse of what that looks like. I was first assigned to work with a resident-based team to initiate a campaign to combat unjust living conditions within their apartment complex. The sights that I saw when I visited their apartments sickened me. Some apartments had countertops covered with mold while others had pieces of wet sheetrock littered throughout the living room because of leaky pipes left unfixed. While walking between apartments, I noticed debris and human waste in stairwell corners left by maintenance after their supposed daily cleanings.
However, I was more heartbroken by the people who had to endure these conditions than the sights themselves. I found them to be honest, hard-working people that struggled to maintain healthy, close-knit families in the midst of indescribable chaos. These people definitely deserved better. But despite our best organizing efforts, we could not seem to make any meaningful progress. We came to a decision that we would be more effective if we had a lawyer advocate our cause in court. However, my nonprofit was unwilling to wage a legal war with a slumlord and I was told that the team would have to bear the costs for legal representation. Realizing that they couldn’t afford the fees they envisioned it would cost to sustain a long battle with the rich slumlord, the team went to visit two local legal aid clinics. The clinics, however, would not accept them as clients due to short-staffing and backlogged cases.
Disheartened, but unwilling to quit, the team continues to press on. But I continue to wrestle with the setbacks that we faced fighting for change. Sure, we would gain small victories here and there, in an effort for a rich slumlord to save face. But without legal counsel that shared their resolve and knew how to confront the powers necessary to bring meaningful change, any campaign would be an uphill battle at best. My experience reaffirmed, in my mind, the need for competent lawyers, undergirded with a strong moral foundation, who would advocate for the least of these.
My desire to pursue a legal career is my next step in living out my faith. My faith tells me that the quality of one’s life should not be predetermined based on the color of their skin or the neighborhood they came from. I want to practice law to do my small part to help create more equitable work situations, which in turn will give people the ability to escape the horrid conditions that constitutes my team’s lived experiences. In this way, I can practice my faith without proselytizing, without passing out tracts, and without offending people of different faith traditions. As I think back to those Sunday mornings at church, I can still hear those church mothers singing hymns of Zion; I can still feel the passion as the deacons pray and travail; and I can sense the jubilation of those who dance and leap in celebration. This is how they choose to express their faith. I want my legal career to serve as my expression of faith.
Let me start off by saying this is a really strong first effort. You really own your connection between faith and the law and make it your own. Using your faith in God as a theme seems to work for you, and I applaud you for that. Do not, in the least, be concerned about voicing your views and opinions on this matter because you do so in an unassuming and non-confrontational manner, which is refreshing.
To give my own critique, the paragraph talking about the positions you held and how you were practicing your faith seemed forced, like you were still trying to put your resume on paper in written form. If you want the impact of your faith to really hit home (and not read like a resume), pick a significant event in your dealings with people since evolving your ideas of faith and focusing on how you took what you learned, applied it to real life and grew from it. I can’t tell you how to do it, but don’t be afraid to dig deep and find a snapshot in your past that you draw from as being significant to your growth both in faith and intelligence. I believe your goal here should be to intertwine your faith with your intelligence.
Also, try reading the statement out loud a few times to make sure you aren’t tripping up in the flow at all. I noticed a few times readily where words were missing or structures were awkward to the flow, but you might not pick up on it because you’ve probably read over this so many times that the words you meant to put in are implied in your brain. Force yourself to give this like a speech, like your story, and make sure you can tell it in a way that someone will want to hear it.
All in all, I enjoyed this statement and think you have strong material to work from.
I don’t think it’s bad. It’s well written and it’s not offensive… but I hope, for your sake, adcomms don’t share my reaction to shoehorning Jesus and God into a PS. It just doesn’t seem like the place for it and it annoys some people. An excerpt from a book by the ex-admissions Dean of Chicago says “I would also steer clear of your personal relationship with Jesus or other religious topics, which make some admissions officers squeamish (unless you’re applying to a religious school, in which case, that’s fair game).”
You have an excellent writing style. And to echo the first response, don’t be concerned about how others will view your beliefs. Sure, some professors reading your personal statement won’t be interested in faith, but most are respectful and considerate of all viewpoints. Plus, if your faith is as important to you as you emphasize, I suspect you believe you will have a larger reward waiting for you someday by standing firm in your faith. That may be worth more than a professor’s 2 cents.
I wrote a personal statement with information about my faith. I received a large scholarship.
Those professor’s “2 cents” matter a lot considering they may be the ones determining whether you get into their school or not. These aren’t the opinions of random people on the internet, they are the opinions of top admissions deans. It’s not about respecting beliefs, it’s about not putting yourself in a negative light voluntarily. The person reading it may respect your opinion but still think you had bad judgment in taking a major part of your application and using it to talk about your religion. Then again, with the OPs numbers maybe the schools he plans to attend have a different mind set then the ones I’ve read.
You are absolutely not putting yourself in a negative light voluntarily. You have an excellent basis for a personal statement. You want to do PI work and talking about your motivation for such work is absolutely crucial for adcomms. The way you describe your faith as your motivation reminds me of all the goods things about religion and how it can bring people closer together and generate a tight-knit community. Additionally, you’ve got experience on your side - this makes your PI credentials a lot stronger than some kids out there who say they’re interested in public interest work but have never done anything. Your PS is different, in a good way entirely, and I believe adcomms will respond positively to it.
Listen to the first response - that’s excellent advice. To help you narrow to a specific incidence (instead of your resume as the first poster said) think about this: why doesn’t your current role as a community organizer seem like enough? Why do you need to be a lawyer? You’re already doing a lot of good; how are you limited in your current position? How can law help you break those barriers and do even more good for your community? Was there a specific case that you worked on, helping someone with labor law?
Also, retake. Study hard and retake so you can go to a T-14 with a great LRAP and continue to do good in the world without worrying about servicing that debt.
How can you be sure of that? For one, I’ve literally quoted someone in a position of authority saying that it definitely could put them in a negative light and warning specifically not to do something like this. There definitely are people who will see Jesus written 5 times,God 3 times, and the implication that everyone has faith to influence them, and come away from it differently than you did.
This is quite trivial but: Nicomachean, not Nichomachean.
Also, if you could change most of your “is” and “was” to stronger verbs (in addition to changing your passive voice structures to active), your essay will improve in tone. Of course, I am not suggesting you to avoid all forms of “to be” because it’s a good verb with certain phrasings, just not everywhere.
FWIW, I also had a strongly religious PS, although I didn’t mention Jesus by name (not purposefully; it just happened that way). I’ve got my JS1 with Harvard tomorrow.
I thought this first sentence flowed better with the pluperfect, as in your original, because the event and reference time both occur in the past (you can test this by adding a temporal adverbial). (Be careful with the grammar advice you receive; I majored in linguistics and am often puzzled by the grammar claims/corrections given out here.)
Actually, the current sentence is grammatically correct but it’s because the OP changed the rhythm of the sentence with the contraction that you prefer the flow of the original. Also, what’s the connection between majoring in linguistics and grammar? When I took a linguistics course in UG, we spent the whole semester condemning prescriptivists
This is really good! I’m going to provide more opinion/critique tomorrow when I’m not on my phone.
However, I would say, that the first few lines sound awkward. There is a disconnected flow of thought that made it difficult to jump into your statement. While stacatto phrases/sentences can add emphasis and energy to your statement, I feel like the lack of flow at the beginning creates a hurdle for the reader. I had to read the first few lines just to comfortably adjust myself to the world you were presenting. I might have to do with the many commas used in the opening sentences. I will look at this more tomorrow, though.
Yea that’s an issue. I’m really not feeling how everything flows. It sounds weird as I read it. Thanks for looking at it. I appreciate any feedback I get.